Attempting to reason with your child while her or she is deep in reaction to a perceived threat is a waste of your time and energy, and carries a large opportunity cost in that it does not foster connectedness and love between you. Remember, reasoning is a higher function, and it is not included in either fight or flight. Before your child can think at all, which includes absorbing the fact that their current behavior is not going to work well for them, they must relax. And before they can relax, they must feel safe again.

And so, Parental Job One becomes crystal clear: Create/restore safety. Which means no yelling, no accusations, and no punishment. Instead, we can reduce the stimulation level when possible, and increase their feeling of connectedness with us by deepening our listening, showing empathy, and focusing our attention on the answer to the question that can lead us both out of the danger zone: What is the underlying fear that is driving this child’s behavior?

By taking these steps, we help our child to anchor themselves to our stability and protection, thus allowing them to experience the feeling of safety again. If we yell, shame, blame, or punish, we are only contributing to their feelings of fear, insecurity and danger. The time to teach alternatives to misbehavior is AFTER the child has calmed down.

It is important to know that you may or may not share your child’s perception of what counts as a threat. Anything unpredictable could trigger certain children into survival mode.

To some kids, recess is a nightmare. All that freedom with so little supervision and protection! Adult equivalent: the downtown mall during Christmas season.